It's been very hard... I can't tell you. The decision to either allow the risk of cancer cells to float round your body (albeit a small one) against volunteering to poison yourself.
Adjuvant treatment is an insurance policy. No one can tell you whether if you take it out you'll need it, or even if you do it will stop the worst happening.
I've been in a state - though to be honest for as much time as possible I've developed the ploy of 'head in sand'. The only trouble is when I start to lift my head up out of said sand I'm rendered immobile by fear. The what ifs, the whys and the wherefores whirl round my head, at ever increasing speeds.
In the end; after a week's holiday with all my family, I finally stepped back on to the NHS treadmill and have let the wheels of the hospital machine grind back into action. I can always step off can't I?
Thursday I went to Withybush (my local hospital) to sign the consent forms and apart from wondering what the hell I was doing in a place full of sick people and then promptly blubbing all over the nurse, it didn't go too badly. My BCN nurse there, Caryll was wonderful. Said all the right things and I did in fact begin to feel better. Ahh, talking you see does help stop those thoughts whirling.
Whilst I was there I browsed through some wig magazines and chose four cuts all of different colours. This felt surreal, still not sure they are actually for me. I can try them on at home once they arrive and then choose the one that I like best, if it's the wrong colour way and I prefer another then they'll simply reorder for me. I've gone for a slightly longer style so that it can be cut to suit. My NHS Health Board will provide a £90.00 voucher towards the cost (they start at around £90.00).
I then tried the cold cap (this can save hair loss), for 15 minutes. It gives you an ice-cream headache which isn't too bad at the moment because we're in the middle of a heat wave. When actually having treatment you have to wear it for half an hour beforehand then up to two hours afterwards, (which lengthens your hospital visit – except for the first one which is a day anyway). They wet your hair so will be colder still. Yikes. Think I'm already going through quite a bit of discomfort so not sure I'm keen to add to that. So I'll see.
Today I've just returned from having the MUGA (multigated blood-pool imaging) scan, which checks how well your heart is functioning. Because I will be on Herceptin (which can affect the heart) this is a personal bar reading, they scan again at three month intervals to note changes, which ultimately helps detect heart failure. The good news is my heart is strong enough to take the first dose of Herceptin.
Well that's it. Big day tomorrow. First chemo cocktail.
Life is not a dress rehearsal. Live for today.